Disconnected

Have you ever felt like you aren’t a part of the universe? Well its a hard feeling to have. But when everyone you value as dear just fails the see the bigger picture and you are ashamed of your acts then the only shelter is yourself.

I have realized that the only person you can rely is on yourself. When I was thrown out of the “Garden of Eden” as someone put it. I was my own pillar. Even now when things are just falling apart I have realized that life is a burden and its yours to live.

I had quite a revalation when someone told me i see only black and while. I dont see the colors in between. For me 10 is 2 and i have no emotional quotient when making decisions. This rational as many people put it is my solitude from confronting emotional ambiguity. Death is not something I dont fear. But emotional ambiguity can kill me totallly cause i dont know how to confront it. Give me a life and death problem i can see through it and cut through it like a diamond. But give me an emotional wall and I ram into it head on.

I have given up trying to solve anything. Everyone will fall into place. I can only be blamed for ignorance and escaping. I dont care on being blamed on this cause I have done worse. I have managed to hurt the people that matter to me the most so “I” could only be the last one that I care about right now. So as of now i dont have an ego to bother about my own esteem or attitude.

Funny though, I have known to be really calm but I was accused of wanting to blow in the meeting. I was accused of being on the edge. I was accused of being totally frustrated with work. Funny though that I have never been able confront emotional ambiguity. I believe i lack this skill. I am not regreting that I lack this skill, I just feel like I dont fit society. I cant expect everyone to see through my eyes and I cant see through theirs. My rational and reason defeats me. My vision is not color.

When people see light they see hope I am told. For me its just light and nothing more.
I hope i can hope to see what they see. I hope I dont end up as black and white. I hope that no one ever has a son as I. I hope to tell everyone never to love a person as I. I am a empty soul.
I am what I am. I choose to be alone as I dont have what society takes. I dont have what love takes. I dont have what a son takes.
I wish it would just end.
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