Moving along a broken road

Most of us look forward to a happy life. What is happiness? Have we compromised on everything to be happy? I have felt that for a long time and well the fact that I have had to makes me realize that there is nothing called a compromise. If you are happy then you lucky cause you have not succumbed to other side.

Lets take a small child. He see’s an animal and is amazed with it. Not because he knows its an endangered species. But because he sees the beauty that nature is capable of. I am currently in seattle and there are so many small things I see and enjoy here. But i cannot smile cause there are bigger things in life that I miss. I dont know if my compromises in life will leave me disturbed forever. There are so many things that excite people. I am not anymore. I look at the sun imagining the day when I would not see it again. I look at a beatiful woman and wonder what is it that makes her beautiful. I have lost the person in me who appreciates things as they are. Everything needs a reason and I have been scarred. I am frightened to ever again jump into the ocean of emotion cause I have realized I cannot cope with it.
People call me “Black and White”. They have realized i dont see emotion, I see facts. I ask why when they expect me to console them as to the fact that they are hurt. I dont know if I would become a person who can see from another person’s eyes cause I see it as vision and light and not a picture. I see a blend of colors when people see beauty. I see numbers when people see victory in a score. I see black when people see fear in a dark. I see just a beating heart when people see light. I am black and White. I am fact and I am just a human being. And I know I am alive only till my heart beats and it right now doesnt beat for me.