Well .. I was in Kuwait that day and a very surprising call.
Yes I was upset .. was confused.. but I just took it like a stone.
I don’t know how to explain why I was put through this test. and why did I have to go through it. The first things that come to your mind are .. whether you did anything wrong or whether you deserve this. Well you think for a while and you realize that many things are not in your control and so you begin to accept.
Now here the twist in the thought process of a person. He thinks he will accept and yet unknowingly tries to change what he cannot. Its a battle of thoughts and the victory is of irrational and crude actions taking over the practical and reasoned mind of mine.
I know I’m bulletproof in the head. but am I ? Am I really made of what I think is me. These questions will be answered by the outcome of the situation that this person up there has put me it. Its fun to be tested .. but the fun ends for you. its nice to have to work towards something . But the niceness ends when you are in the position of loss . You know you enjoy challenges in life . but are you ready for challenging yourself.
Some questions came up.. it went in time . and I wondered whether the decisions I take would be worth it. Now who can decide what is right or wrong . You only listen to something .. a voice that just guides you when you get up everyday . a voice that says your right and wrong .. Now I was hearing that its time I put myself on line. I have always taken the easy way out in life.
The tough parts are when you don’t have anyone to fall back on. And I knew its time for me to fall back onto myself. Well my parents were supporting as usual. but it was a big step for me . I was going into a salary scale of 20% of what I was earning now. But then the funny question of what are you earning for just made me take this decision to quit. Its nice to break free. But what the cost are only time will tell.
I wonder nowadays whether my moves in life were are perfect as I expected it to be. If they were why did this happen. Well then you realize that your not responsible for actions of others. But the situation you put others in is greatly your responsibility. Now assume that I didn’t carry on that conversation and just left it .. like ok .. wont work out..
haha .. like I would do that. You don’t tell me, its not possible. I know it wont be possible if I don’t try. If I don’t try then its quitting . and I ain’t no quitter. I cant let anyone else win over me. Only god has the right to take anything away from me. If he says yes its time. I know its time . not for me loosing but for me to leave this life.
You know if you give up its lost even before you try. But you try and try and try .. you know there is hope and someday maybe someday it will be ok .
Now here is the next question. What are you trying for. You cant win love. its got to come from within. you can buy love cause its not for sale.
Now what are you going to do then. Hmm.. here the selfish factor. You know you cant make another person do what you want . but you can still do what you want. And to keep in constant touch was the only way out.
You have money now. you have earned and helped others out. why don’t you help your self man.. that voice said to me. I’m not a saint . I’m only human. and I have a life too. Why do everything for others ? why why ? Hmm then it struck me. my life is what I want and what I make of it. and if I want that id rather die trying rather than watch it just walk away. how stupid … how can anyone think I’d give up. If I gave up couldn’t I have done things that were a disgrace to me couldn’t I have carried on with my life.
No! I choose to straighten it out. Now the point was what was straight. The chances of ruining something directly proportional to the degree of importance it is in your life. Now this was the tough part. How do you fix something without touching it .. Hmm.. If I knew that then I was god. He can fix anything without doing anything. Hmm that’s when I realized.. if god can then leave it to him. You try to Do what you can .. He’ll do his part .. What He will do will be right is all that you will have to accept. How ever the outcome is its going to hurt cause its a wound and wounds don’t heal easily if its of the heart but if its patches the feeling is stronger than ever.
Now throwing it all away was one side… but trying to make it work is also another. I sat back and thought.. is it worth it.. well.. people don’t take the step forward step to move back .. when its all the way . you are committed .. I knew I was committed cause my phase was over long time ago. well maybe its just a time.
But I decided I wouldn’t give up .. you don’t spend planning your full life .. to just let it go away on a stupid phone call.. you don’t consider rash actions accountable for crucial decisions… You wait .. you wait till time tells you what is right.. if you want you can fix it .. and if you want you can break it. its upto you always.. But if you don’t try to fix the mistakes .. then you cant expect that justice from him.. he knows if you don’t try .. your erred in more ways than accountable.
Now its not just god fear that makes you do.. its just a simple feeling. and I knew it was just love. And if when it works out I’m sure it going to one good day.
Every day is a new day.